Loss..

Exactly one month ago today, my mother, Linda lost her battle with breast cancer. I still cant believe she is gone.

I never thought that my Mom would go before my father, and now that reality has smacked me in the face. I guess what makes it harder is that I watched her die. I saw her take her last breath, I was in the room when they disconnected the life support. (actually about 20 of us were there. I had expected it to be like in the movies, life support is disconnected and a little bald doctor with a clip board comes in and pronounces her. It didnt happen that way, I watched my mother literally fade away over the course of about 7 hours. I remember needing to get out of the room when the bald man with the clipboard never showed up. I remember busting out the double doors of the waiting are at Ross Heart, and I not being able to breath. I remember a waiting room full of people I didnt know, none of them had faces. I remember wanting to go into the bathroom and beat the wall. I remember an older lady, asking me If I had just gotten bad news, and she wanted to pray with me. I told her no thanks. I should have let her pray.

So a month later and every day is the same, I wake up, and my first thought is, "I can't believe she is gone." I "zombie" through the rest of my day, I cry a few tears in bed, I wake up and do it over again.

I keep replaying the last few months in my head. Her doctor found a lump, they did a biopsy and decided due to size it was stage 2. It had not gone to her lymph system. Her doctor recommended chemo and radiation. She sailed through chemo, and had just finished radiation, when exhaustion and a dry cough set in. Everyone told her that she was at the end of her treatments and it happens to everyone. The cough was explained away as a radiation beam probably hit you lung.

She was admitted to Galion Hopsital with a potassium level of 1.5. They told her that had to be a tainted reading, no ones is that low. They did no checks on her heart. They said she had pnueumonia, and they put her on anitbiotics. This started to send her liver readings all over the place, and after pumping her full of medicine and liquid, (she gained 40 lbs in the week she was there), they transfered her to James Cancer, because they didnt know what else to do with her. James continued to treat her for pneumonia, and about 4 days into her stay, they decided to do an heart funtion test. It was then discovered that her heart was only pumping at %10 and at that time she was transfered to Ross Heart. After about 2 weeks of testing they decided the best treatment would be to install what is called an LVAD into her heart, she was terminal, but people with the VAD go on to live normal, full lives. Sure, she would have an electrical cord coming out of her belly, and would need to be plugged into either the wall or a battery pack at all times, but she would be alive.

She came through the surgery ok, and was on the mend. I visted with her on a saturday evening. She talked, and talked. She was so happy to see us. We brought her new slippers. She had me give her a manicure, and we filled those little throw up pans they give you in the emergency room with warm soapy water so she could soak. We stayed about 3 hours, talking and laughing. The next day we had planned a little birthday celebration for My brother and I. She felt bad that we both had a birthday in April, and she was sick. The next morning my Dad called and said my Mom was really tired and we should let her rest, so we would postponed that get together to the following weekend. She had a massive stroke that night, and never regained came back to us. So, instead of a birthday celebration our family met in a funeral home and celebrated her life instead.

I miss you more than you could possibly know, Mom. I know that I will get through this!

Save me a seat!

Nichole