Conspiritorial Spiders

I'm pretty sure spiders are trying to kill me. Ive never been terribly afraid of the 8 legged hairy beasts, but them causing my brushes with death is getting old.

Three days ago I killed a spider. Normally i would pick it up on a piece of paper and toss it outside. Not because I care about smashing a bug, simply because I have an intense fear of other bugs seeing me do it. The little bastard bug spies will turn me in, and pretty soon my picture will be posted on every lamp post in bug town. They will have town meetings and send a lynch mob.

Anyway, back to the unfortunate event 3 days ago. I had a bug on my desk, I'm no where near an exit at work,and I had on flip flops. Why are flip flops important to this story? Well, I could have just swatted the damn thing off my desk, but chances are it would have returned, probably with loved ones, and crawled over my foot and up my leg, just for spite. So, I friggin killed it, smashed it little body with a Lysol wipe. So, not only did it feel pain when I smooshed it, it probably burned too.

What really sucks for me, is obviously another spider saw me and reported me. Last night two spiders tried to do me in. Not only did they try to kill me, they tried to make it look like an accident.

Attempt #1 on my life. I'm going 70 mph down I71 between two semi trucks no less, and a spider crawls across my windshield. Of course the only thing in reach is my beloved over priced Coach wallet, but I had to do something, so I tried to kill it. It moved, I moved, the one semi moved. Luckily that turned out decent.

Attempt #2 I was on the exit ramp, and spider number 2 descended on a web right in front of my face, I literally had no where to go. So I stomped the brake, stalled the engine, set the e brake and exited the vehicle. Not at all smooth like. I ended up tossing my phone towards the ground, cover went one way, battery went another, and somehow the phone part ended back in the truck. Did I mention it's dark out, I'm stopped dead on the exit ramp, laying half under my truck retrieving phone pieces?

So, I didn't die. But when I regained my composure, checked the truck for spiders I was appalled to see two little spiders sitting on my dashboard watching the whole scene unfold. They may have been sharing a kernel of popcorn. I smashed them both flat with my wallet.

Now I'm left wondering who witnessed that, and what the bug community has in store for me next.

FUCKET LIST

When I was 5, I was obsessed with Micheal Jackson. I told everyone I was going to marry him. After that came John Cougar Mellencamp, followed by Lucky. And in case you are wondering, Lucky's full name is Lucky C. Leprechaun. The adorable spokesperson for Lucky Charms cereal. If you find this odd, I dont. I know a person who as a kid would have banged the hell out of Swiss Miss if ever given the opportunity. But, I digress.

After having given it some thought over the last 25 or so years, I have realized that I really dont want to confess my undying love for these people in front of God and everyone. I really just want to take them to bed. Thus welcome to my FUCKET LIST.

1. Adam Levine

2. Adam Garcia

3. My buddy Chris

4. Louis CK

5. Eminem

6. Kirk Cameron

7. Harrison Ford

8. Morgan Freeman

9. Denzel Washington

10. Jani Lane (Warrant)

11. Brett Micheals

12. Mike Wolfe (American Pickers)

13. Robert Klein

14. Javier Bardem