I'm pretty sure spiders are trying to kill me. Ive never been terribly afraid of the 8 legged hairy beasts, but them causing my brushes with death is getting old.
Three days ago I killed a spider. Normally i would pick it up on a piece of paper and toss it outside. Not because I care about smashing a bug, simply because I have an intense fear of other bugs seeing me do it. The little bastard bug spies will turn me in, and pretty soon my picture will be posted on every lamp post in bug town. They will have town meetings and send a lynch mob.
Anyway, back to the unfortunate event 3 days ago. I had a bug on my desk, I'm no where near an exit at work,and I had on flip flops. Why are flip flops important to this story? Well, I could have just swatted the damn thing off my desk, but chances are it would have returned, probably with loved ones, and crawled over my foot and up my leg, just for spite. So, I friggin killed it, smashed it little body with a Lysol wipe. So, not only did it feel pain when I smooshed it, it probably burned too.
What really sucks for me, is obviously another spider saw me and reported me. Last night two spiders tried to do me in. Not only did they try to kill me, they tried to make it look like an accident.
Attempt #1 on my life. I'm going 70 mph down I71 between two semi trucks no less, and a spider crawls across my windshield. Of course the only thing in reach is my beloved over priced Coach wallet, but I had to do something, so I tried to kill it. It moved, I moved, the one semi moved. Luckily that turned out decent.
Attempt #2 I was on the exit ramp, and spider number 2 descended on a web right in front of my face, I literally had no where to go. So I stomped the brake, stalled the engine, set the e brake and exited the vehicle. Not at all smooth like. I ended up tossing my phone towards the ground, cover went one way, battery went another, and somehow the phone part ended back in the truck. Did I mention it's dark out, I'm stopped dead on the exit ramp, laying half under my truck retrieving phone pieces?
So, I didn't die. But when I regained my composure, checked the truck for spiders I was appalled to see two little spiders sitting on my dashboard watching the whole scene unfold. They may have been sharing a kernel of popcorn. I smashed them both flat with my wallet.
Now I'm left wondering who witnessed that, and what the bug community has in store for me next.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
FUCKET LIST
When I was 5, I was obsessed with Micheal Jackson. I told everyone I was going to marry him. After that came John Cougar Mellencamp, followed by Lucky. And in case you are wondering, Lucky's full name is Lucky C. Leprechaun. The adorable spokesperson for Lucky Charms cereal. If you find this odd, I dont. I know a person who as a kid would have banged the hell out of Swiss Miss if ever given the opportunity. But, I digress.
After having given it some thought over the last 25 or so years, I have realized that I really dont want to confess my undying love for these people in front of God and everyone. I really just want to take them to bed. Thus welcome to my FUCKET LIST.
1. Adam Levine
2. Adam Garcia
3. My buddy Chris
4. Louis CK
5. Eminem
6. Kirk Cameron
7. Harrison Ford
8. Morgan Freeman
9. Denzel Washington
10. Jani Lane (Warrant)
11. Brett Micheals
12. Mike Wolfe (American Pickers)
13. Robert Klein
14. Javier Bardem
After having given it some thought over the last 25 or so years, I have realized that I really dont want to confess my undying love for these people in front of God and everyone. I really just want to take them to bed. Thus welcome to my FUCKET LIST.
1. Adam Levine
2. Adam Garcia
3. My buddy Chris
4. Louis CK
5. Eminem
6. Kirk Cameron
7. Harrison Ford
8. Morgan Freeman
9. Denzel Washington
10. Jani Lane (Warrant)
11. Brett Micheals
12. Mike Wolfe (American Pickers)
13. Robert Klein
14. Javier Bardem
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Dick Cereal
Today I came across a very phallic cereal, and decided last minute that my son, may not appreciate Crotch Krispies for breakfast.
Why can't I just be sick...
Im sick! I hate being sick! Im not talking a 24 hour throw up sick, where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Im talking stuffy head, sneezing, runny nose, yucky, icky sick!
Apparently everyone in my town is also sick. I know this because decent cold medicine and cough drops are super scarce! (As were the good kleenex)
When Im sick, I dont want to mess with the public at all, if they had a delivery OTC medicine place in my city, I would use them. My beef with being sick in public is partly because I dont want to make other people as miserable as I am, and partly because my tolerance for stupid people is at an all time low when Im sick. Oh, and things that normally just annoy me, totally gross me out.
Tonight at the store, I saw a pudgy woman with shorts so short, I am about 90 percent sure I could see her ovaries, this is not ok. This is not even ok if you are skinny! This may have made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
But, I digress! Medicine...where was I? Oh so, apparently if you have a cold, the pharmacy automatically thinks you are faking! Yes lady, I cant breathe, one nostril is stuffed up, the other running off my face, I cant breathe, or hear, and I just want to stab myself in the forehead with a fork. Don't get it twisted though, I dont have a head cold, or even a nasty sinus infection. I just put on my sick suit, so that you wouldnt suspect me of making meth in my basement.
Im home now, after presenting my license and having my background checked in the surrounding counties, I was able to pinky promise by signing an "I promise not to make meth agreement." For all my trouble I was allowed to purchase a box of Aleve Cold and Sinus from the pharmacy.
Oh and a quick note to anyone who might be reading: If you wish to purchase Cepacol throat lozenges, its quicker if you dont self check. Apparently these are a "restricted item." This means, that you have to wait for the cashier to come over and grant you permission to have and treat a sore throat.
Apparently everyone in my town is also sick. I know this because decent cold medicine and cough drops are super scarce! (As were the good kleenex)
When Im sick, I dont want to mess with the public at all, if they had a delivery OTC medicine place in my city, I would use them. My beef with being sick in public is partly because I dont want to make other people as miserable as I am, and partly because my tolerance for stupid people is at an all time low when Im sick. Oh, and things that normally just annoy me, totally gross me out.
Tonight at the store, I saw a pudgy woman with shorts so short, I am about 90 percent sure I could see her ovaries, this is not ok. This is not even ok if you are skinny! This may have made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
But, I digress! Medicine...where was I? Oh so, apparently if you have a cold, the pharmacy automatically thinks you are faking! Yes lady, I cant breathe, one nostril is stuffed up, the other running off my face, I cant breathe, or hear, and I just want to stab myself in the forehead with a fork. Don't get it twisted though, I dont have a head cold, or even a nasty sinus infection. I just put on my sick suit, so that you wouldnt suspect me of making meth in my basement.
Im home now, after presenting my license and having my background checked in the surrounding counties, I was able to pinky promise by signing an "I promise not to make meth agreement." For all my trouble I was allowed to purchase a box of Aleve Cold and Sinus from the pharmacy.
Oh and a quick note to anyone who might be reading: If you wish to purchase Cepacol throat lozenges, its quicker if you dont self check. Apparently these are a "restricted item." This means, that you have to wait for the cashier to come over and grant you permission to have and treat a sore throat.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Touching the ground...
I was born in Dayton, Tennessee. I lived in Dayton from the time I was 7 until I was 13. After that, we moved to Rossville, Georgia.
Today my son and I leave for home. I'm going back to lay some old memories to rest and make some new ones.
I feel a need to go back and touch the ground, to remember where I came from and how life used to be.
I feel this is an ending of an era and the turning of a page for me.
I am hoping that by doing this, I will be able to have some closure and a little peace. I'm not asking for much, just a little acceptance and the ability to get back in the swing of things.
I want Christopher to see what made me who I am. I want him to swim in the river, eat the wild black berries, and smell Tennessee in the morning. I want him to stand by the mountains and feel God all around him. I want him to hike in the caves and experience everything I did as a kid.
Today my son and I leave for home. I'm going back to lay some old memories to rest and make some new ones.
I feel a need to go back and touch the ground, to remember where I came from and how life used to be.
I feel this is an ending of an era and the turning of a page for me.
I am hoping that by doing this, I will be able to have some closure and a little peace. I'm not asking for much, just a little acceptance and the ability to get back in the swing of things.
I want Christopher to see what made me who I am. I want him to swim in the river, eat the wild black berries, and smell Tennessee in the morning. I want him to stand by the mountains and feel God all around him. I want him to hike in the caves and experience everything I did as a kid.
Loss Part 2
After having laid my Mother to rest in April, I find myself yet in an ocean of grief surrounded by people who just cant understand that this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to face.
My father, Dalton, left us on July 16, 2010. Dad was an alcoholic, and after we lost Mom, he never found himself. I guess we were all lost, but he found refuge in a bottle. I found my peace with my Son, friends and others in my life who made sure I ate, attempted sleep, and tried to get back to normalcy as quickly as possible.
I can't say that losing my father was any easier than saying goodbye to my Mother. I held his had the last 20 minutes or so of his life. I was there when he took his last labored breath and fell quiet.
My cousin Tiffany was on her way to the hospital, and I had Mike call her and tell her not to come it was too late. She continued anyway, and I know she did this for me. When I heard that she was on her way still, I did wierd things. I straightened Dad's sheets, I closed his eyes, and even attempted to close his mouth. For some reason I was trying to protect her from any unpleasantness.
I felt stronger this time then I did with my Mom, but maybe it was because I had to be. My father wasnt even cold yet, and already the fighting had begun. I received anonymous text messages, demanding to know where I was when my Father drank himself to death. I was getting forwarded messages from my Brother, from family in Tennessee. They were demanding that we get right to work on cleaning out Dad's house then threatening to have the police called if we did. All of the sudden people were asking for this or that. My parents were more than stuff to me. I removed the pictures and home movies from thier home. The rest of the things there, are just that.....things. I guess if people who have approached me with things like, "Hey, I loved your father, and I would really like something to remind me of him." Or, hey last year I bought your father a new reel and we went fishing together, if you don't have any plans for it, Id like it as a keepsake." But instead, I was hit with, "Hey, since your Dad wont be using his Air Conditioner, do you think I could have it?" Sentences that started with "The only thing I really want is....." made me furious. (If it was something my father had in his possesssion and was borrowing, this is different, by all means, take whatever is yours.)
I think most of my family can fall under one word, INSENSITIVE. I just lost both my parents in 3 months time, they left no wills, no nothing. I have 2 estates to settle a mountain of medical and back tax bills, and I dont even know where to begin. But I have people on my ass already, demanding to know what I am going to do. I would advise sitting quietly and letting me handle mine. Keep the threats and the demands to yourself, or I will be more than happy to drag this out in probate as long as possible.
My father, Dalton, left us on July 16, 2010. Dad was an alcoholic, and after we lost Mom, he never found himself. I guess we were all lost, but he found refuge in a bottle. I found my peace with my Son, friends and others in my life who made sure I ate, attempted sleep, and tried to get back to normalcy as quickly as possible.
I can't say that losing my father was any easier than saying goodbye to my Mother. I held his had the last 20 minutes or so of his life. I was there when he took his last labored breath and fell quiet.
My cousin Tiffany was on her way to the hospital, and I had Mike call her and tell her not to come it was too late. She continued anyway, and I know she did this for me. When I heard that she was on her way still, I did wierd things. I straightened Dad's sheets, I closed his eyes, and even attempted to close his mouth. For some reason I was trying to protect her from any unpleasantness.
I felt stronger this time then I did with my Mom, but maybe it was because I had to be. My father wasnt even cold yet, and already the fighting had begun. I received anonymous text messages, demanding to know where I was when my Father drank himself to death. I was getting forwarded messages from my Brother, from family in Tennessee. They were demanding that we get right to work on cleaning out Dad's house then threatening to have the police called if we did. All of the sudden people were asking for this or that. My parents were more than stuff to me. I removed the pictures and home movies from thier home. The rest of the things there, are just that.....things. I guess if people who have approached me with things like, "Hey, I loved your father, and I would really like something to remind me of him." Or, hey last year I bought your father a new reel and we went fishing together, if you don't have any plans for it, Id like it as a keepsake." But instead, I was hit with, "Hey, since your Dad wont be using his Air Conditioner, do you think I could have it?" Sentences that started with "The only thing I really want is....." made me furious. (If it was something my father had in his possesssion and was borrowing, this is different, by all means, take whatever is yours.)
I think most of my family can fall under one word, INSENSITIVE. I just lost both my parents in 3 months time, they left no wills, no nothing. I have 2 estates to settle a mountain of medical and back tax bills, and I dont even know where to begin. But I have people on my ass already, demanding to know what I am going to do. I would advise sitting quietly and letting me handle mine. Keep the threats and the demands to yourself, or I will be more than happy to drag this out in probate as long as possible.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I am 100 percent certain he is off his effin rocker!
Recently Greg has been harassing me to hear his side of the story. Greg likes to talk about himself, and if he thinks he can get attention, sympathy or whatever, he wont give in until you listen.
Time is precious to me, but what the hell! I let him call me last night and spill his guts.
To bring you up to speed, Greg got locked up for trying to get romanitcally involved with an undercover cop posing as a minor. He met this cop in a chat room called, "Older men for pre-teens". I wont even comment here, but really WTF?!?
So, last night I kept my mouth shut and my ears open, by frantically writing down his every word, so below is his statements, and my thoughts on each.
*My mom never loved my Dad, she stayed with him for my sake as a kid.
Uhm, why didnt she leave him after you were grown, instead of staying with him for 43 years of marriage?
*My Dad was wonderful in the public's eye, but he didnt know how to be a Dad or Husband.
No thoughts here.
In kindergarden, I know I was a girl, because I wanted patent leather Mary Janes really bad.
No thoughts here.
When I was 8 and in therapy, I stood up during a session with Dr. McQ and my Dad, and blurted out. "Im really a girl!" The doctor said, "Let's deal with that later." My Dad said, "No son of mine is going to be a girl," and he left the room.
This scenario doesnt make sense, even a little.
When I got locked up I had alot of time to think, so I decided that it was time to come out and let the world know Im a girl.
When you got locked up I could tell the only thing you were thinking about was how to make your mother and I believe you were framed.
When I went to my court ordered therapy, I asked to speak with my therapist after a session, he took me out in the hall to hear what I had to say. I told him I was supposed to be a girl. The therapist got a cheshire cat grin on his face, and said "It's about time." I knew from the first session you were supposed to be a girl." You are finally on the road to recovery!
I can guarantee that never went down. That is fucking insane, and thats all I have to say about that.
Because I am no longer a man, I dont have to be the breadwinner.
Ok, you do however have to pay child support. And since your ass is single, you may want to rethink that whole breadwinner thing if you want to eat.
There was nothing more I could have offered my kids when I got locked up, they were basically raised. That is why Im ok that they are all in foster care.
Your kids were 5, 11, 11, and 12, definetly ready to support themselves and be productive members of society!
In the womb I had too much dopemine, and then when I was put on haldol at age 8-18and this made me unaware of what was going on. Iam a rare case, that made me female with male genitals.
Other than being fuck crazy, you obviously have too much free time on your hands, and one hell of an imagination.
I am going through a 2nd puberty.
Oh, is that what it is, I thought it was a mid life crisis and an identiy crisis all rolled into one.
They recently discovered a partially developed uterus attached to one of my testicles.
Oh wow, recently they found this? Like the other day? Like when you have no money and no medical coverage, and had to fraudulently file your taxes to pay for your boobies? Not when you had MRIs, and scans and all that back when you used to frequent the ER trying to figure out why your leg was turning black? Or why you constantly bled out the backside.
Iam a good parent, I just made a bad choice.
No Greg, you are a bad parent whose life is built on lies and bad choices.
I think Christopher has a sexual identity problem.
Sorry Greg Im not going to turn my 11 year old over to you so that you can have a companion in all of this.
All of my children are predisposed to being girls.
Uhm ok. Since you have 3 daughters and you think you are a girl, and like there are alot of girls on the planet? Shit must be contagious, I never would have thought!
I can help Christopher be accepted when he is ready to transition.
Hold on, I have the loony bin on the other line.
I have a genetic responsibility to be there when Christopher decides this penis thing isnt for him.
WTH are you even talking about. Genetic reponsibility, someone needs to take your dictionary away. And while we are on responsibility, Im tired of going to the Michigan sex offenders website to locate an address for you, so that I have somewhere to mail these Doctor bills that you are supposed to be paying half of.
Well Greg, glad you shared! I can sleep much better knowing you are out there on the streets.
I think you were such a failure as a man, that you were ashamed of yourself. So, in the attempt to escape the embarrassment or who and what you are, you decided to try this girl thing.
Just keep in mind that when you have failed as a woman as well, WHATCHYA GOT LEFT???
Time is precious to me, but what the hell! I let him call me last night and spill his guts.
To bring you up to speed, Greg got locked up for trying to get romanitcally involved with an undercover cop posing as a minor. He met this cop in a chat room called, "Older men for pre-teens". I wont even comment here, but really WTF?!?
So, last night I kept my mouth shut and my ears open, by frantically writing down his every word, so below is his statements, and my thoughts on each.
*My mom never loved my Dad, she stayed with him for my sake as a kid.
Uhm, why didnt she leave him after you were grown, instead of staying with him for 43 years of marriage?
*My Dad was wonderful in the public's eye, but he didnt know how to be a Dad or Husband.
No thoughts here.
In kindergarden, I know I was a girl, because I wanted patent leather Mary Janes really bad.
No thoughts here.
When I was 8 and in therapy, I stood up during a session with Dr. McQ and my Dad, and blurted out. "Im really a girl!" The doctor said, "Let's deal with that later." My Dad said, "No son of mine is going to be a girl," and he left the room.
This scenario doesnt make sense, even a little.
When I got locked up I had alot of time to think, so I decided that it was time to come out and let the world know Im a girl.
When you got locked up I could tell the only thing you were thinking about was how to make your mother and I believe you were framed.
When I went to my court ordered therapy, I asked to speak with my therapist after a session, he took me out in the hall to hear what I had to say. I told him I was supposed to be a girl. The therapist got a cheshire cat grin on his face, and said "It's about time." I knew from the first session you were supposed to be a girl." You are finally on the road to recovery!
I can guarantee that never went down. That is fucking insane, and thats all I have to say about that.
Because I am no longer a man, I dont have to be the breadwinner.
Ok, you do however have to pay child support. And since your ass is single, you may want to rethink that whole breadwinner thing if you want to eat.
There was nothing more I could have offered my kids when I got locked up, they were basically raised. That is why Im ok that they are all in foster care.
Your kids were 5, 11, 11, and 12, definetly ready to support themselves and be productive members of society!
In the womb I had too much dopemine, and then when I was put on haldol at age 8-18and this made me unaware of what was going on. Iam a rare case, that made me female with male genitals.
Other than being fuck crazy, you obviously have too much free time on your hands, and one hell of an imagination.
I am going through a 2nd puberty.
Oh, is that what it is, I thought it was a mid life crisis and an identiy crisis all rolled into one.
They recently discovered a partially developed uterus attached to one of my testicles.
Oh wow, recently they found this? Like the other day? Like when you have no money and no medical coverage, and had to fraudulently file your taxes to pay for your boobies? Not when you had MRIs, and scans and all that back when you used to frequent the ER trying to figure out why your leg was turning black? Or why you constantly bled out the backside.
Iam a good parent, I just made a bad choice.
No Greg, you are a bad parent whose life is built on lies and bad choices.
I think Christopher has a sexual identity problem.
Sorry Greg Im not going to turn my 11 year old over to you so that you can have a companion in all of this.
All of my children are predisposed to being girls.
Uhm ok. Since you have 3 daughters and you think you are a girl, and like there are alot of girls on the planet? Shit must be contagious, I never would have thought!
I can help Christopher be accepted when he is ready to transition.
Hold on, I have the loony bin on the other line.
I have a genetic responsibility to be there when Christopher decides this penis thing isnt for him.
WTH are you even talking about. Genetic reponsibility, someone needs to take your dictionary away. And while we are on responsibility, Im tired of going to the Michigan sex offenders website to locate an address for you, so that I have somewhere to mail these Doctor bills that you are supposed to be paying half of.
Well Greg, glad you shared! I can sleep much better knowing you are out there on the streets.
I think you were such a failure as a man, that you were ashamed of yourself. So, in the attempt to escape the embarrassment or who and what you are, you decided to try this girl thing.
Just keep in mind that when you have failed as a woman as well, WHATCHYA GOT LEFT???
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