Bangladesh & the Butt Cheek...

We all know someone or, have at least crossed paths with a "one-upper." No matter what has happened to you, something to an extreme magnitude has happened to them.

It usually happened last night. You may have had a flat tire on your way home from work last week, but last night a rabid owl, forced them off the road into a field of rose bushes, which pierced all 4 of their tires, and their spare, and now they have rosebush fever and may possibly lose their 3rd toe on their right foot, because of it.

I literally know a person that no matter what, there's is always worse than yours. And it's not just that you had a flat and they had two. It's so extreme, this person literally makes no sense.

Should I feel sorry for them, or be annoyed because they think that I am literally that dumb, as to believe them? Is something medically wrong with them, that causes them to be like that? Isn't there a pill will bring them back to reality?

Forever...

I could start by saying it has been forever since Ive last had anything to share. Im not so sure what I have to share now is that important, but my fingers are itchy, so I figured Id stop by.

Here is just a quick rundown of me. I think one day I'll look back, and see what a dork I was, and laugh at all I felt needed sharing with random people.

A few things you should know about me:
I strive for balance.

I have an intense intellectual side and a juvenile sense of humor. I have more useless knowledge than most.

Im good at lots of things and bad at even more.
I think sarcasm is an art form.
I think unreasonable rules don't apply to me.
I always think that people I know all know each other.
I see order in chaos.
I know the address of nearly every house Ive lived in since birth, but I rarely know where my keys and cell phone are.
I can find anything with a GPS, but I cant find anywhere Ive ever been without it. I dont like grape.
I make up words.
I have a southern accent when Im sleppy.
I laugh at inappropriate times.
I don't go to church, but I pray everyday.
I am easily distracted, but I can read a good book cover to cover in 1 day.
Im a joiner, if you laugh, cry, yawn or vomit in front of me, Im going to join in. My bra and panties rarely match, my shoes however, always match.
I am intuative.
I support gay marriage.
I can be stubborn.
I collect tea.

Soy Milk

I use this blog mostly to let friends and family know whats going on with me. So, I thought Id share a discussion I had with my son today.

Me: Here try this new milk.

Chris: Ok, what kind is it?

Me: Its called SILK, its vanilla soy milk.

Chris: Ok, it tastes like melted vanilla tootsie rolls.

Me: Its good, huh? Its made from soy beans.

Chris: (looking deeply troubled) How do you milk a bean?

Gosh, I love kids, and the funny stuff they say!

Reincarnation and the Pickle

Ive never been one to wonder what I was in a past life. I'm more of a look to the future sort of gal. I'm not even sure if I believe in reincarnation, but if plastic, paper, and glass are recylcable, Id be silly to assume that the human spirit isn't as well.

Please don't email me with question on religion, for I really don't have any answers, I just know if I'm able to choose what Id like to be if I return to this earth, I wont choose king, queen, celebrity, or lottery winner. Id choose a pickle.

I'm not talking your garden variety cucumber, I'm talking about a real freakin' pickle. I want to be grown in India, harvested, sent down a pickle flume, and into a jar of delicious sweet gherkins. Then I stop to think about the life of a pickle, and I see how many different challenges they are faced with. So many things standing in the way between seed and packaging.

There is the dud seed.
Chances of drought
Flood
Poor Crop
Bugs
Being picked by a hungry human picker

There are literally dozens of scenarios that come to mind here. As I sit here and waste the energy to compose this nonsense, I wonder if my daily stresses have finally gotten the better of me, of if I just really, really, want to ride in a pickle flume.

Maybe Ill hit Schlitterbahn in the next decade or so, and see if maybe this whole pickle thing can be laid to rest there!

10 food stuffs I cant live without...

10. Country Bob's All Purpose Sauce (what is better than everything sauce?)
9. Kona Deep Bottled Water (Who doesnt love 3.00 bottled water?)
8. Havana Cola's Mojito Soda (All the taste, none of the tipsy-ness)
7. Pim's (Pims are delicious chocolate cookies with jams inside)
6. Bergenost (semi-soft cheese with a mild,flavor and a subtle hint of sourness)
5. Room temperature Pepsi, to wash down day old pizza with
4. Watermelon Anything
3. Cinnamon Icecream drizzled with honey
2. Dried Cherries
1. Yogurt (anything with yogurt is better, and now its in everything, YEAH!)

From Flab to Fab... WTF?!?

I know we all surf the net, and if you are like me, pay little attention to advertisement banners. Usually what happens to me is, I click away from a page the second something catches my eye, and hit the back button, only to find that the ad I was interested in has been replaced by a dancing alien that doles out auto insurance quotes.

Here is a banner I came across last night, while doing my best to be unproductive.



Apparently the woman on the left lost 12 lbs of melanin. Not only does she sport a "trimmer" waist line, she apparently changed races.

How to Get Away With Murder.

Murder is wrong. Murder is bad. Don't Murder!

However, if you don't take my advice, and you must take someones life, here are some simple things you should avoid.

10. Don't take your hair brush to the murder and leave it there.

9. Dont buy Duct Tape, Tarp, Rope, and an Area Rug alone on one receipt and pay with your Visa Card.

8. Should you not be able to overcome your desire for convenience and one stop shopping, PAY CASH.

7. Throw away the damn receipt. Don't leave it on your kitchen table when the cops come aknockin.

6. Dont use your garbage bags. They can patern match that stuff, you idiot! Buy a new box of Heftys, throw leftovers away. Not at your house.

5. Dont bury your spouse in your basement, throw the jackhammered old basement floor on your friends property, and claim you were framed.

4. Don't bury or leave someones remains on property that belongs to you. Especially if said victim is a relative.

3. Dont put wierd orange carpet in your house that was only sold to you and one other tasteless person on the entire planet. Should you not be able to resist orange carpet, take a lint brush to your victim, before leaving them to decompose.

2. Wear gloves. Dispose of gloves. Don't leave one behind, or reuse them for yard work.

1. And the NUMBER 1, dont do it is: Dont wear the same Nike's you murdered someone in to your police interview. Cops notice this sort of thing. Should that be your only pair of shoes, be advised, you will either leave the cop shop shoeless, if you leave at all.

Ill leave you with one random thought. Why dont murderers wear Addidas, or Pumas? Why is Nike the shoe of choice?