Reincarnation and the Pickle

Ive never been one to wonder what I was in a past life. I'm more of a look to the future sort of gal. I'm not even sure if I believe in reincarnation, but if plastic, paper, and glass are recylcable, Id be silly to assume that the human spirit isn't as well.

Please don't email me with question on religion, for I really don't have any answers, I just know if I'm able to choose what Id like to be if I return to this earth, I wont choose king, queen, celebrity, or lottery winner. Id choose a pickle.

I'm not talking your garden variety cucumber, I'm talking about a real freakin' pickle. I want to be grown in India, harvested, sent down a pickle flume, and into a jar of delicious sweet gherkins. Then I stop to think about the life of a pickle, and I see how many different challenges they are faced with. So many things standing in the way between seed and packaging.

There is the dud seed.
Chances of drought
Flood
Poor Crop
Bugs
Being picked by a hungry human picker

There are literally dozens of scenarios that come to mind here. As I sit here and waste the energy to compose this nonsense, I wonder if my daily stresses have finally gotten the better of me, of if I just really, really, want to ride in a pickle flume.

Maybe Ill hit Schlitterbahn in the next decade or so, and see if maybe this whole pickle thing can be laid to rest there!

10 food stuffs I cant live without...

10. Country Bob's All Purpose Sauce (what is better than everything sauce?)
9. Kona Deep Bottled Water (Who doesnt love 3.00 bottled water?)
8. Havana Cola's Mojito Soda (All the taste, none of the tipsy-ness)
7. Pim's (Pims are delicious chocolate cookies with jams inside)
6. Bergenost (semi-soft cheese with a mild,flavor and a subtle hint of sourness)
5. Room temperature Pepsi, to wash down day old pizza with
4. Watermelon Anything
3. Cinnamon Icecream drizzled with honey
2. Dried Cherries
1. Yogurt (anything with yogurt is better, and now its in everything, YEAH!)

From Flab to Fab... WTF?!?

I know we all surf the net, and if you are like me, pay little attention to advertisement banners. Usually what happens to me is, I click away from a page the second something catches my eye, and hit the back button, only to find that the ad I was interested in has been replaced by a dancing alien that doles out auto insurance quotes.

Here is a banner I came across last night, while doing my best to be unproductive.



Apparently the woman on the left lost 12 lbs of melanin. Not only does she sport a "trimmer" waist line, she apparently changed races.

How to Get Away With Murder.

Murder is wrong. Murder is bad. Don't Murder!

However, if you don't take my advice, and you must take someones life, here are some simple things you should avoid.

10. Don't take your hair brush to the murder and leave it there.

9. Dont buy Duct Tape, Tarp, Rope, and an Area Rug alone on one receipt and pay with your Visa Card.

8. Should you not be able to overcome your desire for convenience and one stop shopping, PAY CASH.

7. Throw away the damn receipt. Don't leave it on your kitchen table when the cops come aknockin.

6. Dont use your garbage bags. They can patern match that stuff, you idiot! Buy a new box of Heftys, throw leftovers away. Not at your house.

5. Dont bury your spouse in your basement, throw the jackhammered old basement floor on your friends property, and claim you were framed.

4. Don't bury or leave someones remains on property that belongs to you. Especially if said victim is a relative.

3. Dont put wierd orange carpet in your house that was only sold to you and one other tasteless person on the entire planet. Should you not be able to resist orange carpet, take a lint brush to your victim, before leaving them to decompose.

2. Wear gloves. Dispose of gloves. Don't leave one behind, or reuse them for yard work.

1. And the NUMBER 1, dont do it is: Dont wear the same Nike's you murdered someone in to your police interview. Cops notice this sort of thing. Should that be your only pair of shoes, be advised, you will either leave the cop shop shoeless, if you leave at all.

Ill leave you with one random thought. Why dont murderers wear Addidas, or Pumas? Why is Nike the shoe of choice?

True Crime

Ive found myself recently consumed by true crime shows. Cold case files, The New Detectives, and the such. This has been a sort of on again / off again love affair with me. So, its wormed its way back into my affections enough to be included in my blog.

Things that make me angry

1: Hamburger Helper: They are absolutely terrible. What exactly do they help?

2: Wine Descriptions: No wine ever tastes like it sounds. If it did, it would say, Rotten fruit, with hints of rubbing alcohol, and hamster bedding.

3: People who stop to have conversations in the entrance/exit to a place you are trying to enter or exit.

4: Cashiers who harass you to open a charge card and save 10%.

5: Candy apples that are only pretending to be candy apples. They are actually caramel apples who have dyed their caramel red in an attempt to fool you.

6: People who stand behind you and curse loudly when there are kids around.

7: Running late, and its not my fault.

9: When the shampoo pumpy gets clogged and shoots shampoo at the wall when you push it down.

10. Shampoo stuck on the wall.

11. When you do your laundry at a laundry mat and come home with underwear you dont recognize.

12. People who make weird noises in the bathroom.

13. When neighbor kids knock at your door, but you dont answer because your kid isnt home, and they proceed to knock on windows, other doors, and eventually revert to sceaming through your air conditioner.

14. Looking for things that Ive lost.

WTF!!!!

So, a few months ago, I get a call at work. My ex-husband has some news to share with me. Honestly had it not been for my son, I would have washed my hands of this person long ago. The meaning of DIVORCE!

So, he calls to tell me that his is changing his name. "Ok, so you have to register as a sex offender for the next 20 years, I can see why you would want to do that,"I think. Then he tells me he is changing it to: SARA ELISE. "Ok, so you have always liked the name Sara, and yeah, its odd, but whatever." Then he starts to blurt out things that have my mind going all over the place.

Here are a few lines from his mouth, and my accompanying thoughts:

Greg: Im getting boobs in May 09. What size are yours again? Im going to be a 52 DDD.
Nichole: OMG your going to look like a barrel with boobies!

Greg: Im not gay. Society will see as a lesbian.
Nichole: No, society will see you as a man in a dress. And Im guessing you wanted to sleep with the lesbians you live with, and they only sleep with women, and you said, Ill do anything!

Greg: Im starting to look exactly like my mom. Im serious, you soon wont be able to tell us apart.
Nichole: I can see that, she is 5'1 125 lbs, you are 5'10 325+ lbs, yeah, I can see how I might be confused.

Greg: Im not sure Im if Im going to get the family jewels turned inside out or not. Its so expensive in the states.
Nichole: I hear you can go to Trinidad, and trade in your schmekel for a VALUE VAGINA for less than 50% of what they charge in the states.

Greg: I know you saw this coming. I always had feminine qualities, you must have noticed.
Nichole: Uh, no. I cant think of one feminine thing you ever did or said. Ok, Ok, the one time you asked me if I ever had sex to music, and I said no. You said you had made love to Barry White, I wondered if you meant actually him personally, or he serenaded you and someone else.

Greg: I no longer want our son to call me Daddy. Since now he will have 2 mommys, Id like him to call me Maddy. Its a combination of the two, Catchy, huh?
Nichole: You have to be fucking kidding me. Im sure our 9 year old will be more than thrilled by this whole midlife crisis your going through.

To show you how thrilled he would be, let me detail you a conversation my son and I had the other day.

SON: I know daddy is being weird, but I was wondering something. If my Dad died today, would you cry?

Nichole: Gee son, I doubt it. Would you cry if he died today?

SON: It depends on what he is wearing.

All I can think of his how FUN parenting is going to be for the next 11 or so years! YEAH!

Long time No Blog...

Yeah, Yeah. I know it's been ages. I keep thinking I have tons of stuff to blog about, then I get sidetracked, and honestly I havent been in the mood. This used to be a place to run to when I needed an outlet. Well, Im in need, so here goes.

OHIO HB 545, and why Im torn...

An article in the Dayton Business Journal states that Ohio House Bill 545:
would cap annual percentage rates on payday loans at 28 percent, extend the repayment period to 31 days from 14 days and cut the maximum loan amount to $500 from $800. Representatives of the state’s 1,638 payday lending shops have said the House measures would kill the industry, particularly with the percentage rate caps. Payday lenders can charge up to $15 per $100 loaned over a 14-day period, which converts to an annualized 391 percent. Instituting a rate ceiling at a fraction of the current maximum, as H.B. 545 and two other bills have proposed, would cap fees at a few dollars per $100.

In a nutshell, I am out a job, albeit a stressful, low paying job, its a job nonetheless.

Here is my beef with HB 545.

What right does anyone have to tell us how to manage our finances? Sure payday loaning can be a "death-trap" if one doesn't use it responsibly, but so can credit cards and overdraft protection.

My bank once bounced a check for .06. That's 6 cents, my bank sent a check back to a grocery store for 6 cents. That's 28.00 for the NSF fee, 30.00 for the grocery store NSF fee. So it cost me 58.00 because I was .06 short in my checking account. I am sorry, but 15.00 fee to borrow 100.00 for a two week period makes much more sense than 58.00 for .06!

Ive been looking online for people's opinions on Ohio HB 545. Some people are totally against it, others are completely for it. I personally believe that some regulations could be put in place to educate consumers on how to use a payday advance responsibly. I don't feel that Ohio has the right to put 6,000 people into the unemployment lines because they don't agree with an APR that doesn't even apply to loan that one takes out for two weeks.