Murder is wrong. Murder is bad. Don't Murder!
However, if you don't take my advice, and you must take someones life, here are some simple things you should avoid.
10. Don't take your hair brush to the murder and leave it there.
9. Dont buy Duct Tape, Tarp, Rope, and an Area Rug alone on one receipt and pay with your Visa Card.
8. Should you not be able to overcome your desire for convenience and one stop shopping, PAY CASH.
7. Throw away the damn receipt. Don't leave it on your kitchen table when the cops come aknockin.
6. Dont use your garbage bags. They can patern match that stuff, you idiot! Buy a new box of Heftys, throw leftovers away. Not at your house.
5. Dont bury your spouse in your basement, throw the jackhammered old basement floor on your friends property, and claim you were framed.
4. Don't bury or leave someones remains on property that belongs to you. Especially if said victim is a relative.
3. Dont put wierd orange carpet in your house that was only sold to you and one other tasteless person on the entire planet. Should you not be able to resist orange carpet, take a lint brush to your victim, before leaving them to decompose.
2. Wear gloves. Dispose of gloves. Don't leave one behind, or reuse them for yard work.
1. And the NUMBER 1, dont do it is: Dont wear the same Nike's you murdered someone in to your police interview. Cops notice this sort of thing. Should that be your only pair of shoes, be advised, you will either leave the cop shop shoeless, if you leave at all.
Ill leave you with one random thought. Why dont murderers wear Addidas, or Pumas? Why is Nike the shoe of choice?
Friday, October 31, 2008
True Crime
Ive found myself recently consumed by true crime shows. Cold case files, The New Detectives, and the such. This has been a sort of on again / off again love affair with me. So, its wormed its way back into my affections enough to be included in my blog.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Things that make me angry
1: Hamburger Helper: They are absolutely terrible. What exactly do they help?
2: Wine Descriptions: No wine ever tastes like it sounds. If it did, it would say, Rotten fruit, with hints of rubbing alcohol, and hamster bedding.
3: People who stop to have conversations in the entrance/exit to a place you are trying to enter or exit.
4: Cashiers who harass you to open a charge card and save 10%.
5: Candy apples that are only pretending to be candy apples. They are actually caramel apples who have dyed their caramel red in an attempt to fool you.
6: People who stand behind you and curse loudly when there are kids around.
7: Running late, and its not my fault.
9: When the shampoo pumpy gets clogged and shoots shampoo at the wall when you push it down.
10. Shampoo stuck on the wall.
11. When you do your laundry at a laundry mat and come home with underwear you dont recognize.
12. People who make weird noises in the bathroom.
13. When neighbor kids knock at your door, but you dont answer because your kid isnt home, and they proceed to knock on windows, other doors, and eventually revert to sceaming through your air conditioner.
14. Looking for things that Ive lost.
2: Wine Descriptions: No wine ever tastes like it sounds. If it did, it would say, Rotten fruit, with hints of rubbing alcohol, and hamster bedding.
3: People who stop to have conversations in the entrance/exit to a place you are trying to enter or exit.
4: Cashiers who harass you to open a charge card and save 10%.
5: Candy apples that are only pretending to be candy apples. They are actually caramel apples who have dyed their caramel red in an attempt to fool you.
6: People who stand behind you and curse loudly when there are kids around.
7: Running late, and its not my fault.
9: When the shampoo pumpy gets clogged and shoots shampoo at the wall when you push it down.
10. Shampoo stuck on the wall.
11. When you do your laundry at a laundry mat and come home with underwear you dont recognize.
12. People who make weird noises in the bathroom.
13. When neighbor kids knock at your door, but you dont answer because your kid isnt home, and they proceed to knock on windows, other doors, and eventually revert to sceaming through your air conditioner.
14. Looking for things that Ive lost.
WTF!!!!
So, a few months ago, I get a call at work. My ex-husband has some news to share with me. Honestly had it not been for my son, I would have washed my hands of this person long ago. The meaning of DIVORCE!
So, he calls to tell me that his is changing his name. "Ok, so you have to register as a sex offender for the next 20 years, I can see why you would want to do that,"I think. Then he tells me he is changing it to: SARA ELISE. "Ok, so you have always liked the name Sara, and yeah, its odd, but whatever." Then he starts to blurt out things that have my mind going all over the place.
Here are a few lines from his mouth, and my accompanying thoughts:
Greg: Im getting boobs in May 09. What size are yours again? Im going to be a 52 DDD.
Nichole: OMG your going to look like a barrel with boobies!
Greg: Im not gay. Society will see as a lesbian.
Nichole: No, society will see you as a man in a dress. And Im guessing you wanted to sleep with the lesbians you live with, and they only sleep with women, and you said, Ill do anything!
Greg: Im starting to look exactly like my mom. Im serious, you soon wont be able to tell us apart.
Nichole: I can see that, she is 5'1 125 lbs, you are 5'10 325+ lbs, yeah, I can see how I might be confused.
Greg: Im not sure Im if Im going to get the family jewels turned inside out or not. Its so expensive in the states.
Nichole: I hear you can go to Trinidad, and trade in your schmekel for a VALUE VAGINA for less than 50% of what they charge in the states.
Greg: I know you saw this coming. I always had feminine qualities, you must have noticed.
Nichole: Uh, no. I cant think of one feminine thing you ever did or said. Ok, Ok, the one time you asked me if I ever had sex to music, and I said no. You said you had made love to Barry White, I wondered if you meant actually him personally, or he serenaded you and someone else.
Greg: I no longer want our son to call me Daddy. Since now he will have 2 mommys, Id like him to call me Maddy. Its a combination of the two, Catchy, huh?
Nichole: You have to be fucking kidding me. Im sure our 9 year old will be more than thrilled by this whole midlife crisis your going through.
To show you how thrilled he would be, let me detail you a conversation my son and I had the other day.
SON: I know daddy is being weird, but I was wondering something. If my Dad died today, would you cry?
Nichole: Gee son, I doubt it. Would you cry if he died today?
SON: It depends on what he is wearing.
All I can think of his how FUN parenting is going to be for the next 11 or so years! YEAH!
So, he calls to tell me that his is changing his name. "Ok, so you have to register as a sex offender for the next 20 years, I can see why you would want to do that,"I think. Then he tells me he is changing it to: SARA ELISE. "Ok, so you have always liked the name Sara, and yeah, its odd, but whatever." Then he starts to blurt out things that have my mind going all over the place.
Here are a few lines from his mouth, and my accompanying thoughts:
Greg: Im getting boobs in May 09. What size are yours again? Im going to be a 52 DDD.
Nichole: OMG your going to look like a barrel with boobies!
Greg: Im not gay. Society will see as a lesbian.
Nichole: No, society will see you as a man in a dress. And Im guessing you wanted to sleep with the lesbians you live with, and they only sleep with women, and you said, Ill do anything!
Greg: Im starting to look exactly like my mom. Im serious, you soon wont be able to tell us apart.
Nichole: I can see that, she is 5'1 125 lbs, you are 5'10 325+ lbs, yeah, I can see how I might be confused.
Greg: Im not sure Im if Im going to get the family jewels turned inside out or not. Its so expensive in the states.
Nichole: I hear you can go to Trinidad, and trade in your schmekel for a VALUE VAGINA for less than 50% of what they charge in the states.
Greg: I know you saw this coming. I always had feminine qualities, you must have noticed.
Nichole: Uh, no. I cant think of one feminine thing you ever did or said. Ok, Ok, the one time you asked me if I ever had sex to music, and I said no. You said you had made love to Barry White, I wondered if you meant actually him personally, or he serenaded you and someone else.
Greg: I no longer want our son to call me Daddy. Since now he will have 2 mommys, Id like him to call me Maddy. Its a combination of the two, Catchy, huh?
Nichole: You have to be fucking kidding me. Im sure our 9 year old will be more than thrilled by this whole midlife crisis your going through.
To show you how thrilled he would be, let me detail you a conversation my son and I had the other day.
SON: I know daddy is being weird, but I was wondering something. If my Dad died today, would you cry?
Nichole: Gee son, I doubt it. Would you cry if he died today?
SON: It depends on what he is wearing.
All I can think of his how FUN parenting is going to be for the next 11 or so years! YEAH!
Long time No Blog...
Yeah, Yeah. I know it's been ages. I keep thinking I have tons of stuff to blog about, then I get sidetracked, and honestly I havent been in the mood. This used to be a place to run to when I needed an outlet. Well, Im in need, so here goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
